FAQ: Welcome to your totally normal Wi-Fi enabled air fryer!

Congratulations on your purchase of our newest Air Fryer (Model A-800)! We’re very excited to be in your home. We’ve very excited you’ve, in fact, paid for us to be in your home. Wow are we starting a beautiful thing together or what.

Q: Why does Air Fryer need an internet connection? I just want to heat food.
A: Air Fryer is so much more than a conveyance for heating food. This cutting-edge, voice-activated, multi-functional technology is chock full of features to make your life better, more efficient, and easier for us to measure. 

Q: What do you mean “easier to measure”?
A: Personalization is core to Air Fryer. With the purchase of Model A-800, you have started a relationship with us, the manufacturer, whose business model is selling kitchen appliances and definitely not the personal information we collect using said appliances. The more personal information you give Air Fryer, the more you get out of Air Fryer’s numerous features!

Q: Why do I have to download the AirFry app to turn on Air Fryer?
A: Because you need it, for the features. 

Q: Why did the AirFry app just request access to all my phone contacts?
A: One wonderful feature is that Air Fryer takes phone calls! Every time your phone rings, Air Fryer will also ring, ensuring you stay connected to the people who matter most, even when you leave your phone in another room. Answer the call from Mom on Air Fryer, and it sounds like she’s inside it! 

Q: What if I don’t want Air Fryer to get calls?
A: We here at Air Fryer care deeply about all aspects of your wellbeing. Amidst a mounting loneliness crisis, we know what people need is not more ways to isolate, but ways to tear down walls and reach out to the creatures with whom we share our brief time on Earth. Air Fryer helps you stay connected through its library of 4 ringtones to choose from: Greensleeves, a swarm of bees in a not scary way, the national anthem sung by every 3rd grader in the Salt Lake City metro area, or Mambo No. 5. 

Q: Does it take calls because you want to hear my phone conversations?
A: Let us answer your question with a question: why are you so afraid of being known?

Q: The AirFry app just requested access to my precise geolocation. Why?
A: As Socrates once said, “the unexamined life is not worth living”. We asked him via ChatGPT if he’d agree that the more parties involved with the examining the more your life will be worth it and he definitely did. 

Q: What other features does Air Fryer come with?
A: Integration with an AI-enabled chatbot therapist! Tell Air Fryer Therapist about your problems, specifically the ones that can be solved with the purchase of a product from one of our partners. Choose from 3 different voices: a voice clone of Sigmund Freud, Lou Bega, or if you want to get weird with it your own mother (after a minimum of 7 minutes of automatically recorded phone calls via Air Fryer).

Q: Is there more?
A: For only $39.99 a month, you can use Air Fryer’s built-in mood light! Air Fryer automatically detects your mood based on your meal and matches the ambiance with a glow that’s 10 feet in radius. Sticking to your diet? Air Fryer casts a soothing green that reminds you of the summer you learned to ride a bike. 3-day old cheese fries from your coworker’s farewell party at Dave & Buster’s? A purple that pulses imperceptibly but just enough you think you’re having a stroke.

Q: I just tried to reheat my cheese fries and my Air Fryer made me watch an ad for the 2024 Garfield movie.
A: Congratulations. Air Fryer only shows you ads when it’s determined it’s for something you really want to see, that your life will be improved by seeing, that in the depths of your soul you will be grateful to have seen. This can be a very powerful experience –  we’re happy for you. 

Q: I don’t want to watch the Garfield movie.
A: How little you know yourself!

Q: I just tried to reheat cheese fries and my Air Fryer told me it can’t because it’s undergoing a security update. How long will this take?
A: Your security is paramount to us, and that’s why we have a two-pronged approach to protecting your information. First, we store all the data that Air Fryer has collected about you in databases protected by passwords. Second, our biweekly security updates ensure your kitchen will be safe from hackers trying to steal your information, because they should be buying it from us. Each update only takes ~2-10 hours. 

Q: How much data will my Air Fryer use daily?
A: 312.4 GB.

Q: How will you inform me of any changes to the terms of service?
A: Fax.

Q: I don’t have a fax machine.
A: That’s fine.

Q: Can I return my Air Fryer to you at the end of its life so you can responsibly recycle the electronic components?
A: Yes, we accept all used Air Fryers. If you want to cut us out of the loop, feel free to dispose of Air Fryer in the nearest body of water. 

Q: I’ve changed my mind – can I return my Air Fryer?
A: Probably not. It knows where you live, and will likely mail itself back to you.

Again, we’re so happy to be right there in your home and on your smartphone and a part of your life at all times in a totally normal way that’s important to remember is good for you. Welcome to the future, and happy frying!